fearless?

(written January 17, 2008 @ 2:05am)

"...sometimes we depend on other people as a mirror - to define us and tell us who we are..." (my blueberry nights)



There were many times while on the road, touring as a songwriter - usually in small towns in America I just plain burned out.

And it wasn't conscious - planed or otherwise - when I used to think and sometimes say I changed my mind; I do not want any children.
Because believe me, that was something I always had in the back of my mind.
Not so much a dream but a given. Something I just knew I wanted and would be good at. And in some way, my right as a woman - one that deep any ego, I would want to exercise, someday.

So when music came into my life and ultimately, became my life - it understandably took a back burner - but on the other hand, I just wasn't thinking about it.

What started out as an uncontrollable drive to create and share - became also an uncontrollable drive to live my life for others.
You see the more I ran, the faster I went - the more I saw and the more dreams others were convinced I was following - the harder it was to kick the habit.
It became a drug of sorts. A kind of appreciation and admiration I never had before. For the first time in my life, I felt like a leader - even if not my own. 'Vicariously through me' was something I learned and although not originally a very natural feeling, one that I quickly grew accustomed to.

Next thing I knew, I found myself on trains, planes, in foreign cars driving on the wrong side of the road - sleeping in campgrounds or on couches, in airports and train stations... all the while going as fast as I could go and really never knowing how to stop or if I even wanted to. And even when I realized I did want to stop, at that point I was moving so fast and so many people were taking up space in my head, I just couldn't let them down.

So when the subject broached - which was often, where is my boyfriend, my husband - do I want children - I really took no notice and pretty much instantly, had a rebuttal and never looked back.
Somehow, somewhere out there - I left go of the very right I had - that lay back in my mind. The one I knew I would someday exercise.
Because a monkey on my shoulder, one placed not by me but by the way in which I now led my life ... and those I led it for - did that very thing and led me.

You are fearless people would say.
In their emails, letters, conversations... cheering me on.
People watching me, a girl alone with a dream - albeit not entirely mine - going so fast and doing so much that it seemed I just had to be fearless.

But the thing was, like I told my little sister recently - it's not that I was - am, fearless.
I mean in some ways, yes of course. I am. As much and sometimes I think, maybe even more than others.
What I was though was for some reason, compelled merely by the expectations of others - to continue living a fearless life as they saw it.
Perhaps some were in jobs they hated and saw no way out of. Marriages they questioned. Lives in general they too were living for others.
And so they cheered me, supported me and sometimes even gave me money to keep me on my path.
And although I love what singing my songs and singing them for others does to me (and for them) I can't deny that I spent many of the past years, not so much fearless but following expectations. Following them so long and more of, for fear I would let someone, somewhere, somehow down.
Because I know had a purpose of sorts, something I never had. And dammit if I wasn't going to throw that away. Everyone wanted one of those; it must be worth having I thought. The monkey told me so.

So I kept going and all along, knew very well I was missing out on what could possibly be another dream. Not just taking something it turned out I was good at and could finally stick to and being pushed to utilize every last morsel and moment from it. Live the dream they call it.

I am 37 now and after 8 months of marriage, to an Austrian man that did not even speak English when we met - I can say, 8 months into it, I am finally aware what it is I want. My dream and not someone else's expectations.
And although I will continue to do what I am good at and what ultimately in many ways, I love - my music. I have a new view; my eyes are opened to the possibilities of truly living fearless.

Quite possibly not doing the very things that the world at this point in my life, has come to expect from me.

Could it be my clock - could it be my fear of my clock? Could it merely be that it took blazing those trails and living through what turned out to be others fears - that brought me to where I am now?

Ready and completely at peace with the idea of quieting down - paving over the roads I once traveled leaving no more trails to retrace my steps?
Not watching nor listening - and at best, feeling compelled to make decisions based on the expectations of my family, friends fans, readers. No longer keeping them at the seat of their pants - wondering what I will do next, living ... vicariously through me.

Could it be that the original vision I had - on a specific day so many years ago, overlooking the Pacific ocean after a run - could it be that is the dream I for so long did not slow down long enough or stop listening to others unlived lives long enough - to see?
Love in my life, things I love to do, my family, being kind to others, living true?
And in the end, before it's too late - having a family of my own.

That, for me - ultimately, is fearless.
Because if it were up to the girl I knew 10 years ago, even a year ago - I wouldn't even consider upsetting the space of things, the ideas in the heads of those that cheer me - by admitting that maybe, just maybe blazing a trail fearlessly is not for me anymore. That maybe I don't care what conclusion they come to - what they might say about what I do, where I end up. Maybe even stop living vicariously through me. God forbid.

In the end - and there will be one - it is my life and my life alone. I answer only to myself and no matter how fast the world continues to spin and how many people think they know best - the truth is it's our one life, our one chance to do it our way. Sometimes it just takes years to figure that out.
I for one am grateful I saw anything, regardless of how long it took to get there.

So if it's one thing I can leave you with, it's be fearless. I mean, really ... fearless.