Returning from Austrian wine country back to Innsbruck, I was surprised and delighted to see the sun, feel the crispy air and smell the snow on it's way. Heaven to me.
It's been a strange and bumpy ride the past 5 months since the release of my newest record. Beautiful and disturbing. Usual life stuff.
I have lost people I love, both in death and in my life in general. Lost a youth I held on to for way too long. Not an easy past by far but one which allowed me to become who I am so I suppose it's all I knew. And I can't say I regret anything.
This stage in my life is a ride (the end of one?) for sure and I've taken many. It's the kind that you get on knowing for well you'll be sick before you get off though. My fault for sticking around so long I suppose. Did I really have a choice?
So many people I thought would never leave, always be in my life. Others I just can't imagine life without that are just so far away, I can't reach them no matter what. Once a year is just not enough.
My husband and me are ready for a new path. Especially me.
The road hit me early, long and hard and to be honest, it's a path I never had a chance to choose. As in most cases, it chose me.
My health the past couple of years has taught me, I really don't have as much control as I thought. If any.
In the end, life gives me as much as I can handle. As much as I can muddle through without doing too much damage that's unrecoverable. I hope anyway.
I'm just a little tired from it all. Finally. Finally after all of this time, ready to breath. Ready to start the next chapter. I know, corny. But really, until you hit those trails, you have know idea how hard the hike will be. I really thought I had seen and done it all. Boy, life sure makes a joke of you. The elements always win.
Anyway, I'm hanging up my touring hat for a bit. Sorting the part of my life I set aside all of this time. Most importantly my health. My family and friends, a future without staring at a very unglamorous hotel wall, living on pennies, being alone far too long, competing with strangers that don't know me at all but that are ready to claw my eyes out. *ah sigh* Feels good just writing it. Saying goodbye for awhile I mean.
This time of year always... no matter where I am brings me back to who I always dreamed I'd be, am and still aspire to find. And it's not about what I do, how much money I make or what anyone thinks of me. Something about the coolness wakes me up all over again. Thank god for dead leaves falling.
I'm still here, don't worry. Just let me rest awhile and I promise I will once again return. Return with new colors and energy, at the next step. Feeling it and living it so hard there will be no choice but to share it with you. For the moment, I am empty and have nothing more to say.
love, Chris
