I wrote a message to you on New Year's Eve but didn't send it. I'm going to include it now.
Dear friends, December 31, 2009
I have contemplated just deleting my web presence altogether. For a long time now actually.
I don't seem to have much to say these days and have completely changed direction in my life.
In the spirit of new years eve and new beginnings and instead of disappearing, I will share a short update. Perhaps it may shed some light on where I have been and what has been happening.
As you know, in 2008 I released the new record. Throughout that summer and onward, I suffered very bad health, more hospital stays and began yet another long, inward journey.
I came out of my illness strong despite it running me down in every possible way.
I was also happy to be holding a new "baby" in my hand. A new CD I was and am, very proud of.
Following the release of the new CD and tours that followed, a lot of changes took place in my music career. Including the walking away from what I thought were friends, both related to the music business and not.
Sadly, I learned a lot about people, real friends and the music business and overhauled my life entirely.
It wasn't an easy transition to make, but I knew it was coming and followed my instinct allowing it to fade.
I spent the following year recovering my health physically and trying to salvage spiritually, what the music business single handedly crushed.
I don't say that lightly.
For those of you that have followed me over the years and/or really know me outside of the business, you know there was nothing more joyous for me than finding my voice and chasing what at the time was my dream - being a musician.
I found it late in life but when I did, it changed how I lived. For a girl who spent the better part of her youth not choosing life, this is saying something for me.
Musically speaking, time and politics eventually killed the innocence, while the travel and stress of being a full-time touring songwriter killed my body and mind.
In the end, I was rundown in a way I wasn't sure there was a way out of.
Fortunately, fate took me in a direction I could never have imagined.
I met my wonderful husband and began a new life and completely new direction.
It was really scary at first and honestly, I fought it for the first couple of years. Both getting married and living in a foreign country took some getting used to.
I've now reached a place in my life that I understand, embrace and adore.
I am completely at peace and full of contentment with how my life has turned out.
I couldn't feel luckier and happier with the path I am on.
Since being sick and releasing the new CD, my husband and me have begun a new journey into parenthood.
A journey I dreamed about my entire life and one I knew that someday I would be ready for.
Dying and never becoming a mother was one of my worst fears. For realizing this dream, I am so grateful. Carrying a child and preparing for motherhood is one of the biggest gifts I have experienced yet. I am so grateful.
Sadly, while experiencing the wonders of pregnancy, my dear, sweet and amazing father has passed away.
It has only been a few days and why I am sharing this so soon, I am not sure.
Trying to heal, find a way to grieve maybe. I don't know. I just know that I felt an overwhelming need to share how different I feel. How much things have changed and how despite the closure of certain people in my life, I have moved on from any negative feelings I may have had about well, everyone and anything. It all seems so unimportant now.
Because of these life changing events, I feel completely removed from all the little things I used to think mattered.
It's true you let all those things go when bigger things in life come at you.
I am focusing on the big picture now. The only things that really matter to me which are my family and real friends.
Life is so short and so precious and I will never, ever again waste one minute of it focusing nor distributing any type of pain or negativity to those around me or in the universe as we know it.
I will do everything in my power to let it all go and everything I can to give my little family the chance we so deserve.
I will always love and appreciate my music and you, my fans that I have given so much hope, love and encouragement to me over the years.
For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart and will forever be grateful.
It's just that, I no longer feel any need to prove myself. To chase my own tail just to prove I can catch it. Or just for the show it puts on for those around me.
I've moved on for now and would like to live out of the spotlight, both online and in person.
I will likely still have a foot in the business and continue down new avenues to satisfy my soul.
However, the full out chase has been called off. Happily.
And this new age of everything public and online has finally taken it's toll on me, I am gracefully stepping back and hiding behind the curtain.
My biggest fan, my father, has moved on from this physical world.
I will never, ever be the same.
I dedicate my humble little career to you papa. Thank you for everything you have done for me, believed in. I miss you so much it's hard to breath and I will love you forever. I wasted so many years running around the world trying to prove myself, when all along you already saw who I was. For that, I feel really sad. I wasted so much precious time.
Now I see what I was running to and from and as life moves on, I realize it's too late to take it all back and come home. I will always regret that.
I hope I can counteract that by reminding others not to waste one, single minute of their lives.
If you think you are not living your life for yourself, look closely and fix it right away.
Tell your loved ones you love them - everyday. Love and forgive yourself no matter what. Don't let anyone get in the way of that - including you.
Dear friends, thank you for taking this journey with me and until and if we meet again, may you find peace, love, happiness and joy in both your family and friends and all that you do. Both in 2010 and beyond.
I am routing for us all.
Love, Chris
