Timing is everything.
When I first became a singer-songwriter, the time was right. It was considered a very late start in the business, but had it happened anytime before then, I would not have been ready to accept and run with it. At nearly 30, I just was.
So it goes the same way as I think about coming back to music and all that it entails.
Around 2 years ago, I announced I was 'coming back'. I genuinely thought I was ready and started making plans to head in that direction. I couldn't figure out why it was feeling so hard. Nothing like when I began. In those early days, I accomplished more in a week then I have the past 5 years.
I am older and my life has changed quite a bit, especially since living abroad, having a child & husband and losing my father. My life is 100% different than when it was only about me, my music and my next airline ticket.
No matter how much I tried to convince myself the time was right (2 years ago this month actually), it just wasn't happening. I finally figured it out. As much as I wanted to be ready to return, it wasn't time. When I think about it now, I can see I was allowing outside pressures to get to me and move me faster than I was capable of keeping up with.
Don't get me wrong, we all need a little push now & then (and I've had my fair share), but in order for that push to even help, you really have to be even somewhat ready, even if it's just 'thinking' about being ready. I was none of the above.
So I spent the past 2 years with not even one foot in the music business as we say but more like a toe -- if that. I was saying I am back but I never really felt it and my mind & body certainly weren't on board. When your heart isn't into something, your decision is made for itself. Something like the old Irish proverb, 'You vote with your feet'. Meaning, you choose your path, even if you're saying you're heading in an entirely different direction. Your feet will take you where you truly want to go -- eventually.
During those 2 years, I found myself saying yes to projects I should have said no to begin with. Sometimes gaining a not so great reputation for canceling, flaking out, whatever you want to call it. Those of you who really know me, especially before I got to Europe, know that I am no flake. The complete opposite once my heart is into something actually. Not only that, the professional in my title as songwriter means something to me. That is still me -- Christene LeDoux, Professional Singer-Songwriter-Storyteller.
I put myself in situations where I had to sing, when I knew for a fact my voice was weak and not ready, mainly because in general, I wasn't ready. Still, I carried on hoping that maybe it would all catch up with me. That I'd wake up one day and be magically 'all here' and present, ready to go. Back to the old me.
Never happened. At least not for another 2 years.
So I'll fast forward to the present.
I'm really, truly, 100% back.
How do I know this?
Every part of my being is on board.
I am accomplishing tasks & goals just like the old days. Not at some speed I can't keep up with (I'm not 29 anymore), but one which gets things done, challenges me, brings me to the next point and the next and the next….
I am not just thinking about coming back or have only one toe or one foot in the door. I am all in. Every single aspect of my being. So why did it take me 2 years since saying I was back, to really be back?
I can't say for sure except that I am starting to believe (again because I used to believe this when I was younger) that it's all about timing. You know, carpe diem -- seize the day.
It's true you can go against the flow of things and make amazing things happen. It's also true it doesn't mean you sit around and wait until 'the time is right', but I do believe when you are ready, ready to handle those challenges, you will know. I 'think' that is what seizing the day is -- going for it when you have the chance. Like kicking the ball in the net scoring a goal. You certainly wouldn't try making it in from across the field. You wait until you are there, up close & ready then you go for it. ;-)
After 5+ years on hiatus and 2 years to the month saying 'I'm back' the universe has gifted me with just that, another chance and this time, I am seizing it.
Carpe diem baby!