The new year's eve message that never was

I wrote a message to you on New Year's Eve but didn't send it. I'm going to include it now.


Dear friends, December 31, 2009

I have contemplated just deleting my web presence altogether. For a long time now actually.

I don't seem to have much to say these days and have completely changed direction in my life.

In the spirit of new years eve and new beginnings and instead of disappearing, I will share a short update. Perhaps it may shed some light on where I have been and what has been happening.

As you know, in 2008 I released the new record. Throughout that summer and onward, I suffered very bad health, more hospital stays and began yet another long, inward journey.
I came out of my illness strong despite it running me down in every possible way.

I was also happy to be holding a new "baby" in my hand. A new CD I was and am, very proud of.

Following the release of the new CD and tours that followed, a lot of changes took place in my music career. Including the walking away from what I thought were friends, both related to the music business and not.

Sadly, I learned a lot about people, real friends and the music business and overhauled my life entirely.
It wasn't an easy transition to make, but I knew it was coming and followed my instinct allowing it to fade.

I spent the following year recovering my health physically and trying to salvage spiritually, what the music business single handedly crushed.
I don't say that lightly.
For those of you that have followed me over the years and/or really know me outside of the business, you know there was nothing more joyous for me than finding my voice and chasing what at the time was my dream - being a musician.
I found it late in life but when I did, it changed how I lived. For a girl who spent the better part of her youth not choosing life, this is saying something for me.

Musically speaking, time and politics eventually killed the innocence, while the travel and stress of being a full-time touring songwriter killed my body and mind.
In the end, I was rundown in a way I wasn't sure there was a way out of.

Fortunately, fate took me in a direction I could never have imagined.
I met my wonderful husband and began a new life and completely new direction.

It was really scary at first and honestly, I fought it for the first couple of years. Both getting married and living in a foreign country took some getting used to.
I've now reached a place in my life that I understand, embrace and adore.
I am completely at peace and full of contentment with how my life has turned out.
I couldn't feel luckier and happier with the path I am on.

Since being sick and releasing the new CD, my husband and me have begun a new journey into parenthood.
A journey I dreamed about my entire life and one I knew that someday I would be ready for.
Dying and never becoming a mother was one of my worst fears. For realizing this dream, I am so grateful. Carrying a child and preparing for motherhood is one of the biggest gifts I have experienced yet. I am so grateful.

Sadly, while experiencing the wonders of pregnancy, my dear, sweet and amazing father has passed away.
It has only been a few days and why I am sharing this so soon, I am not sure.
Trying to heal, find a way to grieve maybe. I don't know. I just know that I felt an overwhelming need to share how different I feel. How much things have changed and how despite the closure of certain people in my life, I have moved on from any negative feelings I may have had about well, everyone and anything. It all seems so unimportant now.

Because of these life changing events, I feel completely removed from all the little things I used to think mattered.
It's true you let all those things go when bigger things in life come at you.

I am focusing on the big picture now. The only things that really matter to me which are my family and real friends.

Life is so short and so precious and I will never, ever again waste one minute of it focusing nor distributing any type of pain or negativity to those around me or in the universe as we know it.
I will do everything in my power to let it all go and everything I can to give my little family the chance we so deserve.

I will always love and appreciate my music and you, my fans that I have given so much hope, love and encouragement to me over the years.
For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart and will forever be grateful.

It's just that, I no longer feel any need to prove myself. To chase my own tail just to prove I can catch it. Or just for the show it puts on for those around me.

I've moved on for now and would like to live out of the spotlight, both online and in person.

I will likely still have a foot in the business and continue down new avenues to satisfy my soul.
However, the full out chase has been called off. Happily.
And this new age of everything public and online has finally taken it's toll on me, I am gracefully stepping back and hiding behind the curtain.

My biggest fan, my father, has moved on from this physical world.
I will never, ever be the same.
I dedicate my humble little career to you papa. Thank you for everything you have done for me, believed in. I miss you so much it's hard to breath and I will love you forever. I wasted so many years running around the world trying to prove myself, when all along you already saw who I was. For that, I feel really sad. I wasted so much precious time.
Now I see what I was running to and from and as life moves on, I realize it's too late to take it all back and come home. I will always regret that.
I hope I can counteract that by reminding others not to waste one, single minute of their lives.
If you think you are not living your life for yourself, look closely and fix it right away.
Tell your loved ones you love them - everyday. Love and forgive yourself no matter what. Don't let anyone get in the way of that - including you.

Dear friends, thank you for taking this journey with me and until and if we meet again, may you find peace, love, happiness and joy in both your family and friends and all that you do. Both in 2010 and beyond.

I am routing for us all.

Love, Chris

Hello stranger... :)

So you've probably been wondering where I've been.
I'm still here. :)

Sorry I've been so out of touch with you guys. I know I used to be much better about journal'ing here and keeping in touch.

Since my illness last summer, I've kept a pretty low profile and as you probably know, not doing too much in the way of shows other than close my region in Europe.

I have been however going in new directions with my music and getting some great results. Music film/tv and I'm working on a lot of exciting musical projects here at home in Austria.

It feels amazing to have been off the full-time road and I must admit I don't see myself going back anytime soon.
It's a lifestyle better suited for people that don't mind being away from home for weeks or months on end. I used to be one of them but since getting married and beginning a new grounded life, my priorities have shifted drastically to family and taking care of myself.

I still love each and every one of you and am so appreciative of all you do for me. <3
Thank you so much.

Just so you know, I am not done with live performing. I just need this extended break to first and foremost take care of my health. Now that I am in the clear and feeling strong and healthy, I will continue to take a leave of absence (other than a few one-offs and a week here and there) until I feel the time is right to jump back in. Even then, it won't be the crazy months and months on end on the trains of Europe alone. I can say with heart I have seen enough and don't feel the need to chase it in that way anymore.

In the meantime, watch your favorite shows and listen at your local cinema's for my music. I'm very excited at the developments in that department and to be honest, the residuals from this will allow me to continue with less touring and more records.

I'm working on a few new record concepts which for now, I am keeping a secret. :)
I promise when the time is right, I will tell you more.

It's finally Autumn here in the alps and I must admit I am fully enjoying being home with my husband and our sweet rescue golden retriever, Buddy. We're about to renovate our place and soon thereafter it'll be time for our Annual Christmas trip to see my family. The highlight of our year - especially mine.

With that said, Fall and Christmas time here in Innsbruck is spectacular and I feel so lucky to be here every second to enjoy it.

So let the pumpkin-carving, pie-backing and leave-raking begin!

I am thinking of you and hope so much this finds you happy, healthy and full of love - wherever you are. Thanks for being in my life and believing in me.

Love,
Chris

Are you breathing?

I admit it, I’m afraid to die.

I got to thinking today about the past couple of years. Where my life has gone.
How did I lose so many people I love recently? Both in death and in friendship?
When will I go? And when I do, will the ones I lost touch with care? Will they
even know?
More importantly, will I have lived honestly and fully? Will I have
done all of the things I set out to do, didn’t know I should try and love as hard
as humanly possible?

The answer was a resounding no and that is where it began.

With all of the media deaths lately and more important to me, my friends passing on, I’ve been quite the morbid one.

I can’t deny I have always been petrified of losing the ones I love. So much so that I routinely since a child checked to see their chests were rising and falling with air.
Yet with all the time I spent worrying about losing my friends and family, back when I was younger, I never really put a second thought to my own death.
It’s only something in the past couple of years I have not only really started to try and wrap my head around but fear. Not a good feeling.

I got to thinking what if someone in the music industry interviewed me about my recent hiatus from the music business. What if they wanted to know every detail down to every thought.
At the end of the day, or life as it will someday be, any interviewer will have long forgotten a little folk singer like me. He’ll hardly remember he asked such profound questions.

So here I go. I’ll interview myself.
But instead of questions I am going to start with answers.

I often tell people the story of being 28.
When I was 28 I didn’t really know.
What I mean is, I was still in the phase of my life where things just flowed from one thing to next. One year bled into the next. One heartbreak to another. One town to one city, to another country and so on.
I wasn’t really watching the clock. Time was moving slowly.
Of course I could have died at 28. But I didn’t. And more than anything, I just didn’t have a huge sense of my own mortality. I lived pretty free and allowed people, places and things to touch me as deep as they could and not give a second thought. I knew how to live. Mostly.

Then at 35, on my birthday, I woke up with not only the obvious fact I was 35 but a psychological, physiological sense of being 35. Like waking up with your eye mask when it’s light but for a minute, you think it’s still dark. When it comes off, it’s a major shock. That’s how I felt. Shocked into 35.

And I believed and still do, in the 7 year cell change.
They say every 7 years your cells change and along with your whole make up.
I wasn’t waiting for it or anything. In fact, I don’t know that I was aware of it then. I just know on that day, I leapt from 28 to 35. Really, in one day I felt 7 years older in every way.

It wasn’t long after that while touring in Greece I met my husband.

I knew when I left for that particular tour I was a changed woman. I knew something was coming and I saw everything in an entirely new light. I was waking up, again. For the first time? I can’t be sure. However I do remember clawing and scratching my way onto the Transatlantic flight. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leap anymore. I started to get scared for the first time in my life.

To make a long story short, we met, we courted, we married. And here I am happily married and living in the alps of Austria.
Sounds like an ending doesn’t it?
And it is in some ways. But a beginning I couldn’t possibly imagine took a strong hold and has not let up since. Everyday it’s stronger and everyday I feel my skin is going to burst open.

I was married, friends started dying. I mean, really good friends. Not that any passing is ok but these were the ones I expected to sit in old age with on the porch.
Just like that, gone.
And then I realized I may have missed a few important stops on my life path. How could that be? Time was moving so slow. I had so much of it. I thought.

All of sudden my clock starts ticking. I mean, it just went off one night. Screaming, blaring, thumping, bashing me over the head with the sound of it.
Baby. Baby. Baby.

Then when I thought things were weird enough, I started to have some health issues. Major ones that required a lot of hospitalizations and with that, show cancellations. In turn it was like dominoes and pieces began tumbling.
I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t save me. I had to let things fall where they may.

It was like one day I am 28 and the next I am reaching a ’semi-middle age point, baby making time but I have no time, where are my friends, what did I miss, what should I do point.’
Crisis? You bet.
And how did I deal with it? I stepped away from the very thing that gave it to me. Music. It’s just what happened.
I can’t explain it any better nor excuse it anymore.

I’m coming back now. Slowly. On my on terms. But I’d be telling a big, fat lie if I said I am not sick of answering the questions about where have I been, when will I come back and why did I leave in the first place.

Life. Life just caught up with me and there was that one day that I just woke up.
I woke up and realized it was mine and mine alone and I had to accept where I was, what I was going through. Live it, deal with it and move on.

And I have.
It was a slippery one this time. Hard to keep in my hand. Not tangible but I think I understand now. I’ve got a hold now.
Truth be told, you couldn’t pay me any amount of money to go back to 28 or 35. Really. I worked too damn hard to get here, I’m not going back now.
It’s time to get to work on the next phase.
Before my time runs out.

Will you be my friend? ...Socializing today.

With the digital age almost permanently (I said almost) replacing meeting real people in real time, it got me to thinking about my digital "peeps" out in the world ... wide web that is.

Back in the day, you met them face to face. You know, at a concert or party, maybe in school or a holiday. Participating in an extra curricular activity.
Nowadays, being online IS the extra curricular activity.

Where does that leave us?

To get with the program (quite literally) or step away from the computer?

I tread both to be honest. Some days I am all over the place, tweetin' this, facebookin' that, myspacin' him and her, bloggin' my every thought.
Other days? I try and delete the people I'm not sure why I added in the first place, erase the photo's I should NOT have posted drinking wine the night before. You know, things you wouldn't dream of sharing before the internet deemed it not only ok but almost necessary if you want to play fair on the web. Maybe the cool kids will want to be your friend. You show me mine, I'll show you... Uh.

Wine, internet. Got me to thinking...
Although this is the opposite of someone you don't know but instead a real person you know...er, knew and now with years passed it's been propelled into the world wide web, I want to include in this unfortunate situation an example of a bad night in the world of technology...

Scenario; Girl (ok, that's me) decides it's a good idea to drink more wine than she needs. Fair enough. She had a hard day and she had been laying off the booze for a good amount of time. She gets on Facebook. She sees her x-boyfriend had emailed her back. Yes, she found him on FB and sent that "Hello stranger" letter, oops email. Um. She's happily married now but she's still alive you know. So she stares at his picture and from the look of his suit, wonders what he's up to now. He looks successful. She gets nostalgic (even more than when she first emailed him) and starts to think of the old times. For a songwriter, this could get dangerous. And she does it. Yes, she does the very thing we all dread someday we might do, or cringe when we get the "Hello stranger" email ourselves. She begins to write. She tells him some of the songs on her records were for him. She gives titles. She talks about her new life and husband. She tells him he was great and she was stupid. She says it took a LONG time to get over him. Yes, she emphasizes that. Um. She says, "I let you go now sweet boy" as a footer. Yikes. She hits send.

Do you see where I am going with this?

Ok, I admit I don't. I started talking about friends we don't know and somehow veered into the world of x's pre-online to online... Um. Nevermind.

And with that minor distraction out of my system, I can get back to what I really want to say and that is... If I need to talk to a friend really, really late at night (at length) about really personal things, will these 'digital' friends be there? Only online I assume. If I needed to borrow money and couldn't pay my mortgage, would they help me? What if someone close to me passed away and I needed support at the funeral from a friend? What if they saw gross things I did or me at my worst, watched me make big mistakes and see how imperfect I really am? Would they still be my "friend forever?" Exactly.




So why is it that online friends seem to be all the rage? Am I missing the point?
I suppose I would be lying if I said I haven't made some 'real' friends that started online myself. It's just... just. Well. I dunno. Just seems so dirty somehow and so fake and sad. Everyone hopping around trying to leech what info they can, get inspired or bring others down, share ideas or steal them, make a buck, steal a buck. What gives?
Will this only get worse?

Of course there are very good people in the world. Of course we are all good at the core and online like everyone else just doin' our thang. But it can be so private while being so open. It's so easy while making things so much more difficult. Giving us work we didn't know we had.
It can make nice people mean. Mean people can appear nice. Ugh.

I took a hiatus from my music and although health issues were my main reason, I admit I was all too happy to get out of and off of the crazy online world of gimmie gimmie gimmie more...gimmie more. Britney is annoying but she nailed that on the head wouldn't you say?

When I just let the email box pile up and sit, deleted the hundreds of emails from my peers asking for help, didn't sign up for any new social networking sites and let the ones I had sit dormant, stopped putting press kits, CD's and whatever else in the mail... I felt a HUGE sigh of relief. I mean, the kind of relief you feel when you think you lost your rent money and it turns up. The kind of relief you feel when you think you didn't pay a parking ticket and you may have a warrant out for your arrest and head in the pokey at any given time. No, those weren't referencing me.

So I just got on with living and guess what? I met my husband and for the first time in years I had a real place to live, make love, cook, decorate, nest in.
I made really good friends with people I could actually see on a regular basis. Build a real face to face trust that only comes when you spend live in person time with people.
I got good at knitting but I blogged less. I started to dig through my old photo's and send them to the people I had promised to send them to for years.
I even picked up my guitar, without agenda and just played. Like the old days.

Going off line should be like the book 'The Sugar blues.' We should go off it once in awhile. We should experience it more than a few times in our lives. At the very least, widdle it down. For some, way down.
Really. It's that good. Better than... Yes and with less time online there is more time for that too. Ehem.

And now as I sign off my digital readers, I wonder who reading this is my friend in real life or friend online. Whichever you are, I really truly hope you are planning to get offline soon, get out of the house and hug a real person. Those virtual hugs take too much time anyway, leave you with guilt trips if you don't send one back and don't feel as good as the real thing.

If we happen to meet out there, I welcome a real, live in person hug anytime.

p.s No, my x didn't "friend" me.

Hello everyone!

I hope this finds you well.

Since the release of my new CD, "Dust 'n branches ... songs from a wanderer" has been doing so well, I have decided to come out from hiding this winter and book a little Spring tour throughout my region, Europe.

I am an American songwriter currently based in the alps of Innsbruck, Austria.

Although I am located in Europe now, I hold strong ties all over the world, most noteably America - including Austin, Texas where I keep a place.

If you'd like to share a show, trade information and/or help me book a show in your country, please contact me here on FB or here: singingchris(at)yahoo(dot)com

I am also booking house concerts which are the absolute best way to get your own private show for your friends and family.

Thanks for reading!
I really look forward to hearing from you and possibly working together.

warmest,
Christene

http://www.ChristeneLeDoux.com

More and more I both miss and cherish the far and few between sincere and honest connections I have been lucky enough to make in my thus far, short life.

As a friendly collector of everything including all things broken kind of person, I used to waste too much on people that could really care less. And if they did, it was for some reason other than exchanging love, good energy and encouragement. At least in the business of music, if someone 'be-friended' you, it usually mean they wanted something from you. And I don't mean love. As far as I can see via social networking and some of the emails I receive, this hasn't changed much.

It took me a long time to see this and when I did, even longer to both accept it and do something about it.

Since moving abroad, something happened to my sight and heart that gave me the strength to move on from feeling like I needed their approval, had to help anyone and everyone that asked, felt compelled to 'prove' myself to someone other than me. It's been a long haul and a bumpy one at that, so many dirt road bends.
For that I am grateful. I am learning.

Tonight as I think about the ones I love most - still here, lost ... I realize I am coming dangerously close to mid-life or whatever that means to me and well, I'm just tired of wasting time on anything and anyone who isn't on my side. Because faults an all, I am on their side. Someone and somethings gotta' give.

I've made a huge pile of mistakes. More than my share actually. Such big messes that while I was making them, I knew throwing everything under the bed wasn't exactly going to get me a star on the board. At the time, all I cared about was getting through whatever moment convinced me I couldn't. Somehow saying and doing whatever I needed to; escape, get closer to, run from, understand...
I wish I could say that means I understand that even.
I am still so far from getting it.

With that, I wish for the strength to recognize the takers from the givers, the part of me wanting to hoard without sharing. And when I do see all of this, act on it. Instead of the complacent acceptance that goes with procrastination, laziness, not wanting to bother changing.

Innsbruck, Austria concert w/ Christene TUES, Dec. 16!

Hello!

Happy holidays! I hope this finds you happy, health and keeping warm!

A little reminder if you are in the Innsbruck, Austria area, my Tuesday, Dec.
16 concert at The Bierstindl Theatre is coming up!
I hope you can make it if you are nearby. If not, I would be so grateful if you passed this on to anyone you think might be interested and near me.
Danke, danke!

What: Concert at Bierstindl w/ USA songwriter Christene LeDoux, now residing in Innsbruck, Austria
When: Tuesday, 16 December 2008
Where: Kulturgasthaus Bierstindl
Address: klostergasse 6, 6020 innsbruck
Tickets at the door or call 0512 586786 or 0512 575757
What time: 19:00 doors open, show starts 19:30
Eintritt: 12€ or 10€ (students, seniors and children)

Christene's website: http://www.ChristeneLeDoux.com

Christene will have some of her most talented Tyrolean friends join her on this night and blend her American contemporary original songs with a unique, modern Tyrolean flare. The atmosphere will be a non-smoking, cozy, candle light ambiance with free home-made American-style chocolate-chip cookies for everyone.


The night will consist of both Christene's original compositions in English as well as a few surprises in German. Expect funny stories, both touching and lively music, banter with the audience and candlelight/sit-down ambiance.


Although from America, while touring through Greece with her Swedish band, Christene met her Tyrolean husband Helmut. In the Summer of 2006 at the end of her tour, she came to Innsbruck to be with Helmut, married in the Golden Roof and never left.


Short text in German:
Die Amerikanische Songwriterin Christene LeDoux hat in Texas und vielen anderen Staaten von America gelebt. Diese "award-winning" Musikerin reist rund um die Welt und teilt ihre berührende Stimme, ihre Lieder und ihre Geschichten ihrem Publikum mit. Dies wird Christene's erstes aber nicht letztes großartiges Konzert in Tirol werden. Christene bekommt gute Kritiken ihren vielen Fans und von vielen Radiostationen und der Presse auf ihren Reisen rund um die Welt.

Heidi is alive... !

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The universe listens...

My computer crashed, died...completely ate everything. *sigh*
So I write first of all to tell you, if you have written and have not gotten a reply, that is why.
If you have ordered the CD and did not receive it, that is why.
If I was supposed to send you a video or photo or whatever else may have been on my harddrive, those are gone too.
If you are wondering if this is true my answer is sadly, an astounding yes. *double sigh*

The good news is... I believe you get what you ask for.
I believe the universe brings it on like no other, even when you forgot you asked in the first place.

I am a positive light giver, for the most part pretty happy go lucky gal. I don't have too many complaints, although I probably should.
But the one thing I have always dreaded is the amount of online work, emails, graphics etc... etc... etc... I have.
Feeling trapped inside, behind the computer and utterly cut off from the rest of the living and breathing world behind a screen.
My to do lists were out of control. They started for the day and turned into lifetime achievement books...um, I mean to do lists.
My email has been insane for years and many had gone unanswered for even longer.
In fact, I was recently digging through the ridiculous pile and getting ready to turn a new leaf.

Alas... the world did it for me.

So I got what I wanted afterall.
I am starting fresh, with a cleaner slate than I would have liked...nonetheless, spick and span.

Again, if you happened to stop by here and check in and were one of the thousands I owe a message to, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
I'd like to imagine my information, documents and files landed in that never-never land somewhere between those lost socks and one shoes that seem to have disappeared. Never to be seen again.

In the meantime, I leave you with this...




love,
Christene

time to fall...

Returning from Austrian wine country back to Innsbruck, I was surprised and delighted to see the sun, feel the crispy air and smell the snow on it's way. Heaven to me.

It's been a strange and bumpy ride the past 5 months since the release of my newest record. Beautiful and disturbing. Usual life stuff.

I have lost people I love, both in death and in my life in general. Lost a youth I held on to for way too long. Not an easy past by far but one which allowed me to become who I am so I suppose it's all I knew. And I can't say I regret anything.

This stage in my life is a ride (the end of one?) for sure and I've taken many. It's the kind that you get on knowing for well you'll be sick before you get off though. My fault for sticking around so long I suppose. Did I really have a choice?

So many people I thought would never leave, always be in my life. Others I just can't imagine life without that are just so far away, I can't reach them no matter what. Once a year is just not enough.

My husband and me are ready for a new path. Especially me.

The road hit me early, long and hard and to be honest, it's a path I never had a chance to choose. As in most cases, it chose me.

My health the past couple of years has taught me, I really don't have as much control as I thought. If any.
In the end, life gives me as much as I can handle. As much as I can muddle through without doing too much damage that's unrecoverable. I hope anyway.

I'm just a little tired from it all. Finally. Finally after all of this time, ready to breath. Ready to start the next chapter. I know, corny. But really, until you hit those trails, you have know idea how hard the hike will be. I really thought I had seen and done it all. Boy, life sure makes a joke of you. The elements always win.

Anyway, I'm hanging up my touring hat for a bit. Sorting the part of my life I set aside all of this time. Most importantly my health. My family and friends, a future without staring at a very unglamorous hotel wall, living on pennies, being alone far too long, competing with strangers that don't know me at all but that are ready to claw my eyes out. *ah sigh* Feels good just writing it. Saying goodbye for awhile I mean.

This time of year always... no matter where I am brings me back to who I always dreamed I'd be, am and still aspire to find. And it's not about what I do, how much money I make or what anyone thinks of me. Something about the coolness wakes me up all over again. Thank god for dead leaves falling.

I'm still here, don't worry. Just let me rest awhile and I promise I will once again return. Return with new colors and energy, at the next step. Feeling it and living it so hard there will be no choice but to share it with you. For the moment, I am empty and have nothing more to say.

love, Chris