More and more I both miss and cherish the far and few between sincere and honest connections I have been lucky enough to make in my thus far, short life.

As a friendly collector of everything including all things broken kind of person, I used to waste too much on people that could really care less. And if they did, it was for some reason other than exchanging love, good energy and encouragement. At least in the business of music, if someone 'be-friended' you, it usually mean they wanted something from you. And I don't mean love. As far as I can see via social networking and some of the emails I receive, this hasn't changed much.

It took me a long time to see this and when I did, even longer to both accept it and do something about it.

Since moving abroad, something happened to my sight and heart that gave me the strength to move on from feeling like I needed their approval, had to help anyone and everyone that asked, felt compelled to 'prove' myself to someone other than me. It's been a long haul and a bumpy one at that, so many dirt road bends.
For that I am grateful. I am learning.

Tonight as I think about the ones I love most - still here, lost ... I realize I am coming dangerously close to mid-life or whatever that means to me and well, I'm just tired of wasting time on anything and anyone who isn't on my side. Because faults an all, I am on their side. Someone and somethings gotta' give.

I've made a huge pile of mistakes. More than my share actually. Such big messes that while I was making them, I knew throwing everything under the bed wasn't exactly going to get me a star on the board. At the time, all I cared about was getting through whatever moment convinced me I couldn't. Somehow saying and doing whatever I needed to; escape, get closer to, run from, understand...
I wish I could say that means I understand that even.
I am still so far from getting it.

With that, I wish for the strength to recognize the takers from the givers, the part of me wanting to hoard without sharing. And when I do see all of this, act on it. Instead of the complacent acceptance that goes with procrastination, laziness, not wanting to bother changing.