(written January 20, 2008 @ 7:55am)
"The longer you're gone, the further you get."
That's what my good friend & fellow expat Denise (Belfast, Ireland) said to me about living abroad.
Although there was a long time where I divided my time abroad between America and England - I was never really "gone" - or so it felt.
I always knew I'd go back when the 6 or so months were up and to boot, I was touring hard and really didn't have any time to stop and think about life abroad.
And of course, making matters even easier, most of the time either speaking English in England or going in and out of foreign speaking countries. Just enough to taste it before the novelty wore off or difficulty set in.
I will be the first to admit, life, as an expat is not easy.
Spending 3 weeks back in America, with my family - is both glorious and invigorating and depressing and draining. And not in the way you would think because it has nothing to do with family. In fact, that's the invigorating part.
It's true the longer I am away, the more I see which in turns challenges everything I used to believe about my own culture. You see things through a magnifying glass and instead of reacting to them the old way - the way you were accustomed to as an American, you begin to see things with your new expat eyes. And with that, you just aren't sure how you are supposed to feel or believe anymore. Because you know you didn't just add a few years and experience to your life and change - you really changed. In fact, most of the time - you rebel against it because life is surely easier when you are not challenging everything you grew up to believe, reacting a certain way, living complacently amongst your people.
So in many ways, I don't exactly love these new eyes I have.
When Denise said this to me, we had just finished a last minute but quite wonderful gathering with my expats/locals group I started here in Innsbruck.
It was nearly 3am at this point - having moved on to our place with her husband Arno and a beautiful soul and becoming good friend, Marina, an expat from Brazil.
We stayed up late into the night having one of the most beautiful connections and conversations and of course, somewhere in all of it, talked about what it's like living abroad. How you watch your family age in very disturbing way. Because in some ways, although you are the one gone, they still see you in way they did when you left. And even though each time you return, you return changed in ways even you don't know, it's not always easy for a family to release the pecking order and see you for who you are now.
With that said, although it must sound in some ways not true, when you are away and living abroad, you actually see the people for who they become. One of the reasons I have come to realize this is the more you mingle internationally with others, adapt, learn new cultures and language - the easier it becomes for you to see others for who they are and ultimately yes, adapt to change and people in a fairly simple way.
When I go back to the states, I am realizing each time - maybe by something said or even something as little as what my family thinks I like or dislike. And not just change like a child growing inches within months or changing hobbies like clothes - but a profound inner change. The kind that suddenly gets put on warp speed the longer you are away.
The longer you are away from your people, your culture, your family - the more you do not see things the way you used to and sometimes, the way they still do. You want to come back and challenge them but with only 3 weeks a year, maybe 4 - it's a tireless and futile attempt.
So you - me, I guess after a few days I just gave up and decided I could be the same Tina they think I am. I can wear this family hat, which already, is hard enough at times. Because the weight I bare being in a foreign country, is sometimes so heavy - this is like carrying a fanny pack versus a huge hiking one. I do it.
Begrudgingly sometimes? Yes, for sure. But I do it because I really have no choice. It's the way things are.
And now, it's once again before sunrise and still, after 10 days back, I am not adjusting to the time in the way I usually do.
And I am sitting here, forced awake with the need to write these thoughts - thinking about what Denise said. "The longer you are away, the further you get."
It's a simple enough statement and one, which you read and take, at face value. It's true. But in the deeper sense - ok and admittedly, the jet-lagged one - it's so much more. And what she forgot to add is 'further they get.'
And you see this each time and it makes you sadder with each reminder or incident where it's just as plain as daylight. But you accept it because really, the only other alternative is to go ahead and go back. And even though what always kept me strong enough to leave to the next place and travel where the wind took me is telling myself 'I can always go back,' I know different. Or at least I am willing to see it now.
Because each time I have moved in my life, which have been many - when I left I knew deep down I would never be able to return. Any place would never be the same because the longer I was away, the further I did get and unfortunately, never being able to go back in time is one of the worlds cruelest jokes.
Those 3 weeks were magical, they always are. Each moment with my family was precious and even though I have to witness my parents age in a way my siblings there don't, work a little hard during even daily stuff to fight for who I have become, keep the sudden and vicious epiphanies about my old beliefs or views to myself, I know that in the end, as Denise also said, 'my (your) feet do the leaving (or something like that)
For whatever reason, I have landed myself here, even if feet first and soul later, which for me, is often the case.
And after nearly 10 days back in Austria, away from my country and my family - I can feel my soul slowly beginning to return. Weary and confused and not really sure where it belongs anymore but returning nonetheless.
Like giving advice to the young women that come after you, no one really tells you everything. How hard life really is. We all know that's probably a good thing in the end. Because if we knew that when we jumped we surely fall and end up in a cast, we'd probably never go out or worse, take crunches everywhere we went 'just in case.'
So on this too early to be awake Sunday morning, I cherish this - although admittedly rough realization - feeling of new found understanding about what is really going on here. How fast everything moves and how much time you lack to get it all done.
I let my feet do the talking for too many years and even though I am doing less of that now, it did make me the open, flexible and road-smart dame that I have become.
I have time and distance to thank for that. The longer I was gone, the further I did get and in the end, I guess that wasn't such a bad thing.
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