waking up all over again...

For the first time since my dad suddenly passed away this December, I am beginning to wake up again, get a grasp and fully realize this amazing time, my pregnancy.

Although logically I know this is an important time for me, my baby and my family, since my dad died I just kind of shut down. In every possible way.

I stopped thinking about what I ate, I couldn't go to the bathroom properly anymore, I stopped answering the phone, returning emails.
I kept the blinds closed, everyday and my bed surrounded with pillows and comforts. It's where you could find me nearly at any given moment, the day we flew back to Europe after the funeral.

Today, after the first real spring day, the first real feeling of winter ending, I made it out to the park with my dog.
A simple and necessary task for most people but for me these past few months, an impossible feat.

Not only was it a beautiful day but I didn't feel dragged out. Despite the pressure in my pelvis, the cramps and the overall uncomfortable feeling of being 8 months pregnant, I had a good day. A really good day actually.

So I owe hundreds of friends that wrote beautiful, meaningful messages, replies.
I've gotta' sit down and playback my voice mails and one by one, call each person.
I have thank you cards and packages to mail, pictures to download, save and forward and overall, a really big life to get back to.

By no means I am over it. Healed or moving on. That will never happen.

I am learning to live with it.
It's the best I can do.

I know my papa wouldn't want me to wallow in my pity. Lately, I hear his voice telling me so. It pained him to watch me my entire life worry about him.
When he first began having heart problems, I was far away touring Europe and he made it a point, not to tell me. He didn't mean harm, he knew I would drop everything and fly home. When the news reached me, he was right. I dropped a long, planned out tour in Britain to be by his side. Although he insisted I didn't need to return, I don't regret it for a minute.

Our lives are short. Our time here is borrowed. No one can get around this.

There comes a day for everyone, eventually, when you realize this and all the worries of tomorrow disappear. The wrongs let go and the future, what is left of it, embraced.

For me, that time is now.

Although my heart, thinking and life is forever changed, I know in the end, I am a stronger, better and more loving person for it.
I will never again take advantage of the love that surrounds me.

Today, it's as simple as baby in my belly, my husband, my dog and this breathtakingly beautiful spring day in the alps.